10 Therapeutic Applications For My Bulk-Purchased Superglue

1. He’s nearly always overseas anyway. Just glue the Prime Minister’s pants to his RAAF jet seat.
   

2. They demand permanent work-from-home. Give it to them. Affix 14,000 Federal public servants’ bottoms to their home office chair. No three-hour gym sessions between 9am and 5pm.
   

3. Glue ‘No More Oil’ protesters’ alarm clock to 10:59am. They never get out of bed before 11:00am. Dah da! Brunswick brunch-time traffic jams fixed.
   

4. Stick Adam Bandt to a computer playing all 10 episodes of Milton Friedman’s “Free To Choose” series in perpetual loop.
   

5. Affix “No Budget Blowout Here” stickers on NDIS offices.
   

   

6. Make a lapel badge which illuminates red and says “Alert! Dictator Detector” whenever the wearer wants to ban books. Offer them as gifts to all politicians.
   

7. Instead of them pouring filthy oil on an obscure part of the Flemington track, help the Greens win more publicity by gluing a few of themselves to some saddles in this year’s Melbourne Cup. That will shake them up a bit.
   

8. If Mehreen Faruqi then complains about abuse of horses in the Melbourne Cup, temporarily glue her mouth shut just long enough to say “koalas” and “investment properties”.
   

9. Stick it to socialists, by patting them on the back with superglued Post-Its reading, “Tax is theft”. (Thanks BM!)

10. Glue a Commonwealth gold medal to Dan Andrew’s forehead for winning the “Biggest Civil Liberty, Diplomatic and Economic Disaster” event.